Finally I get a taste of it
I haven't been been blogging lately and old readers may realize I don't make personal posts. But here I am making an exception coz I feel like and I want this on record for good. I finally get to know what it feels like to be d*****.
Am probably saying quite a few things here out of agony and may not hold in due course. But it is today.
For well over the last one year, I made a whole lot of sloppy decisions. Rather, every decision I took with confidence worked against me. I know I've said this many times before but this time another BIG decision goes up that list. This time its personal :|. Sometime I'v held onto for almost two years or more.
I put others above myself. Not all, but those very close to me and it cost me a lot. People keep saying that todays generation is so self centric. What I do realize is you are taken advantage of when you are not self-centric. Not that I'd stop putting others above myself :). Thats who I am. I don't blame others at all. It was my fault.
I never believed in other peoples pessimistic advice. But then this one turned out to be true. Nevertheless, I am glad that I fought it out to my ends :) not blindly going by it. I never gave up, i.e. until when I shouldn't have ;). I still don't buy that advice though :p for I never lost.
The worse part of it all is that I was afraid if I was making a fool of myself and I hoped otherwise. When you look back and realize that you've made a big fool of yourself for like two years you begin to despise yourself for doing that. So reminds me of this quote -
Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.And then doing the most disgusting thing ever :(. Lot of people find me conservative and hell I am. I held certain things as a principle and stuck to it on moral grounds. But then all of it is void now coz I choose to make an exception. The only respite I get is that I was as honest as I could ever be. You know what they say -
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
I don't know as to what I did wrong :-?. I try not to keep too much faith / trust in people but every time I've made an exception, its turned out disastrous. Its so hard to correct one self when you don't know where you went wrong. Every time this happens I am every more hesitant to entrust in another :(. Am sure its a problem with me and not them. I hope I get to find that soon.
Maybe it is true that dreams you have early morning do come true. A day or two back I had this dream where I start a day and I realize that all of a sudden something is missing in my life. Something that (I believed) meant to me more than anything else. I frantically searched, searched and searched but it just was not to be found. But what I considered most dearest was no longer there. Two days since then and it has come to be true in real life ;). Coincidence?
Maybe I can see a world beyond time :D like Neo does in the matrix, he he. Or maybe I have begun to understand the choices and am able to see past them :p.
I feel so lost yet again. On the one hand I am so devastated and on the other its as if maybe this is a new chapter in my life when I have to let go of my past. I am smiling when I look at myself in the mirror, but its looks like a scorn from my other self :D as if he is saying "See, I told ya" in a wicked tone. I don't even know if I want/should be smiling or be glum. But on the bright side there ain't no indecision anymore :).
Guess I've rambled enough out of frustration :D and bored my readers if any. But I really needed to vent this anger and not carry it into tomorrow, oops today :D.
Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for long. Only way I see to get into grips is to burn out for a while which anyway is in queue. Hopefully December Season should make me write more :).