He wasn't me!

Ever had this feeling when you look back and realize you were not quite yourself ? I felt so disgusted at myself that I ended up not being ME. It wasn't meant to be this way. We blame it on circumstances and such crap, all an excuse and yet we deny to accept it. But it is a choice you know? A conscious one, so to speak. Yet, against thyself! Know what I mean?

We run away from our problems not quite having what it takes to confront it and hide beneath the veneer of a gentle smile apparently 'for the world'. Why? Coz we have grown into gentlemen / women who values propriety more that fortitude & honesty! Because we live in a world where we give more importance to what others would think of us than to being true to thyself.

And now I have done it too! Brilliant. Bravo! The very thing I never wanted to be and denounced. Guess I am just one amongst the Peter Keatings and Ellsworth Tooheys amongst us living their lives indulging in the ecstasy of the world around us extolling us as good men / woman. One amongst the many soulless souls.

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On a side note, I want to loose everything but for my life. No not in any negative sense. If you want to understand read this which I bumped into a while back - The Fring Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination. The fear of loosing is what leads most people into being much less than what they can be otherwise. One wouldn't fear when you have nothing to loose ;). Some see it as responsibility, others as a liability. I presume such fear is what has left me in this menial existance.

Guess I would score a 'A' grade in being successful at earning a good livelihood for my kins and I. Yippieeeeeee! So proud of it! What more can life have to offer :)?