Thursday, February 14

Memories Strike Back

Shiv wakes up in the morning and recaps what he needs to do for the day. He takes a deep breath of sigh as yet another day went past in restlessness and hope. In hope of what? He doesn't know for sure. He gets off from the bed (after rolling his head with his eyes closed feeling his neck) wondering if he needs to hold on to the hope for yet another day or to get over it and decide to move on like everyone says he should. So did I. But he just wouldn't listen and says he just couldn't :(.

Contrary to his usual he has only been doing things at the very last moment until he has no other choice. He seemed to have lost the energy and frivolous cheer that made him stand apart from the rest. Normally his eyes would say it all ;). For someone who keeps himself engaged all the while (I find that part of him pretty boring) until wee hours past mid-night I found it surprising when he revealed that he was squandering his time walking in the terrace, watching T.V. and sleeping not wanting to do anything. I was appalled when he said hez been sitting before his monitor doing nothing at all (to be read as musing). He wouldn't be so unless he is terribly broke.

I could empathize his problems as he explained them in pain :(. So many unanswered questions which were driving him mad, keeping him from work yada yada. Sometimes life can be cruel on people, forcing them into accepting things without understanding them. Those question if answered could be painful in the short term but would at least clear things up to move forward. Much like me he ain't someone who accepts things without understanding them. When he said he despised himself for what he did I couldn't help but remember a similar situation when I felt like puking at myself. Its much like when Neo realizes that so much of his memory were untruth in 'The Matrix'. Trust me, you really feel like. Although in the case of Shiv, he had to believe that what he believed in for 2 years were not so. He knew deep inside it were not so and yet he *had* to. Dazed is the right word to describe how lost he seems to be.

Early in the morning he was scuffling though his documents of his last US visit. Amidst the pile was a small piece of paper (tickets to be precise) that reminded him of sweet memories from the past. For a moment he donned a tender smile and then broke into tears. What a start to a day he said :(. Half-a-day went past bz bz when he went to the 6th floor in his office to collect his lunch. Out'a the blue something struck him hard. Obliviously he ate his meal deaf to the conversations of his colleagues and went out for the walk in the hot sun. Said he felt cold within and needed someplace warm. And he goes out for a walk in the hot sun. WTH?

So many tried to convince him that he is only human like the rest of us and is liable to make mistakes. It never went into his ears and all that he did was to stand in shock over how things had changed swiftly. But he still sought for answers, more so as to get some peace of mind. Distraught he took help from people close to him. Shiv has an irritating habit of always taking up a different perspective than that in a conversation. Only when people tried to convince him that he was in a way the affected as well did he begin to perceive the other side of the story (or so he thinks). The side of things which he claims he had failed to understand while in pain. Or has he just go into an accepting mode?

He spends his days waiting for the day to end. He spends his weekends waiting for Monday to dawn. He said he wanted to do something wacky like joining an ashram or taking a physical trip just to keep him from thinking about life, a respite if you will. Just imagining what would drive someone into such a mode :-?, waiting for answers he may never get. After much coaxing he spoke to a few people only to realize that he was not incorrect about his convictions but the fact of the matter is that he is helpless and can't do much but nothing.

There was so much glumness in the air when he mentioned that all of a sudden the sweetest things in life gives you the creeps and the heart feels heavy and empty every now and then. Am glad that one of us could convince him that he should be happy over what he got back for there are so many who don't :).

All I could tell him was how much courage he had to do what he did and the extent to which he had gone. To be able to confess / apologize over your gravest deeds to those who would most resent such an act takes a lot you know. But then he stopped crossing at one point. Reminds me of this quote from the movie Rocky - Once you become a gentleman, you spend most of your life being one than being yourself.

Everyone of us who got to know it all are pretty perplexed about it. Something just ain't right about it. Nevertheless we could only ask him to get along with life and not get buried in it. Easier said than done, but still :). When we asked him to be strong he said he wouldn't be holding onto it without walking away if he was not. So true!

But one thing he said that stood out from the rest was that its not that he can't (like we'd thought) but he just didn't want to walk away . How many people are that resolute? I don't know. What do you say to someone who believes that - "You are not defeated unless you've given up"? Good luck buddy! One way or another live it they way you want to, strive for what you want :). You may not get em but still!. Champions come from those who take their chances in life and seldom those who accept what life has to offer ;).

Looking at Shiv's situation has made me feel that my problems are nothing compared to his. Its funny how you learn things in life :).

Am totally lost into 3 songs from the movie Kalloori - "Un arughil varighayil", "June July" & "Sareeya Idhu Thavara". The whole days I listened to nothing but these. The 1st two were just awesome. Good lyrics after quite a while I should say ;).