The Disappearing act

When someone disappears from your life and that person happens to be extremely close to you the voidness you feel inside is indescribable. It feels like a part of you is no longer there. As if it were snatched away from you. You feel like you've been torn apart. You feel suffocating and feel like puking even when there is so much air around.

You yearn to speak with that person but you know you can't. You yearn to hear from that person but you know you won't. Happy moments come by and yet without that person to share it with, it just doesn't mean as much. It feels as if you are locked in a coffin alive scuffling for someone to help you out. Your heart feels cold and a sudden chillness prevades your body even on a warm day. You feel like ice crystals are scattered inside of you and they trigger shocks of cold. And you can't do anything about it.

All that remains is the memory of the sweetest of moments they gave to your life and the satiety you got out of seeing that person happy from within. And a longing as to if god would give a second chance to relive those moments in life. Only, going forward you are no longer entitled to that previlige. And if that person had played a big role in shaping you into someone better than who you were then any act in connection reminds you of that person. You look back at the years and your eyes get misty over those wonderful moments in life. And then tears roll down realizing how helpless a situation it is.

All of these memories are etched for eternity and yet we are expected to let go of it all and move on in life :( in the name of being mature. Worse yet, if that person is not gone but just no longer in reach it feels even more terrible :((.

But that is life and I got to live with it.

A letter to god

Right now I feel like writing a letter to god. A reaaaaaaaaaaally reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally long one. It would probably run 10's of pages and I might even hit century :D.

If anybody knows his email-ID, do pass it on to me :), will ya?

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This question is an over kill for god so I'll ask it to the mortals :D.

I am probably generalizing here, but is it true that emotions are associated with women and insensitivity with men?

More importantly, is this how we tend to see it even though it might actually be the other way around?

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I just want to go and meditate for as loooooooong as I can until my body becomes numb. But then I am so tied to these worldly pursuits that I won't.

Difference b/w Love and Arranged Marriage

In love marriage the bride/groom themselves get into a world of trouble :D.

While in arranged marriage the bride/groom are pushed into a world of trouble by relatives and friends ;)).

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This was narrated by a lady in a program on TV.

1st Lesson of the year

To watch my temper! I lost "The most" precious thing I had in my life off-late :(. Haven't been quite myself since. Haven't been able to do anything either. Even sitting b4 the comp. is so difficult *grrr*.

For the 1st time in my life I wished (for a moment) y'day that I go to sleep never to wake up again. If only such a thing could happen our planet wouldn't be so full of people :D.

I did the most unthinkable thing when I lost my temper. Not a pint of energy left in me to repent for it anymore. Only hoping that someday mum would forgive me for this, "truly" i.e. Not all mums do / can.

The worse part is when you really didn't mean it. Guess one can't quite fix a broken pane of glass. It only beautiful as long as it doesn't break ;). At least I got to know what I truly am. It bitter, but true.

Moments of 2007

Its time to do what most blogger do after new-year. For once, I'll do it as well. (Actually I'v run out of ideas)

3 Magical Moments of 2007

1. When I read an article online realizing that it spoke of the same problem I faced and came up with a lovely solution for it months back. Turns out to be one of the patterns with a jargon in the industry.
2. When I played on my violin once (accidentally i.e.) and the song came out as good as I understood it ;). Obviously I had not understood it enough. But I was overjoyed. Esp. when my mum came up and said I truly played well, and "for a change" - I thought.
   
3. When I received a gift on account of my friends 1st salary. I got misty, I admit.

3 Disastrous Moments

1. When for the second time in life (5 years since the previous) I ended up not being able to take up higher studies :(. It literally broke me.
2. When I realized that the last two years of my life were a lie and I blissfully believed in it. Now I can empathize why neo puked when he realized the obviousness of the truth.
3. Failure after failure till the very end. Everything I had laid a foundation for failed this year.
   

3 Lessons Learnt

1. Never to put my happiness in someone else's hands. A lesson I never seem to have learnt since childhood.
2. The unlikeliest of people are sometimes the ones who come through for you during you hardest of times.
3. Being conservative is not such a bad thing. It could have saved me from having gone against my morals/values (although technically I didn't).

The biggest lesson I've learnt this year is to take help from friends. I am glad I had the courage to and I owe it to many of them who patiently took the time to help me out in my endeavours, who read my loooong boring mails (one of them was the longest I'd EVER written) and have always kept me in good spirits despite dire times.

Somehow I don't seem to be mature enough to shed my past and just move on without looking back. And am hoping that 2008 will turn things around, bring back the cheer in me and put an end to such 'personal journal' posts kind. I seriously miss blogging like I used to.

2008